I’ve been afraid of drowning in the ocean since, maybe the first grade. It was one of my biggest fears, ever. But after my sweet, strong, healthy husband died so tragically and suddenly, I developed the strong feeling that fear is foolish. The worst had already happened. Nothing else could hurt me. Why would I be afraid of anything else? So I decided to face my fears.
The first one I tackled was surfing. In the ocean. I have always thought surfing was such a beautiful sport. I never thought I’d have the core strength or balance to stay upright, though, especially after giving birth just 10 months before. But once I lost everything, I realized I had nothing to lose. I decided to go for it, on what would have been Steve’s and my 11th anniversary trip. I chose to go to O’ahu, where we’d spent our first anniversary. I learned to surf, finally. And I came to some realizations. Here are the best things I learned from my surf lesson on Waikiki.
I Can Survive a Wave
“Grief comes in waves.” I hate this saying. Sure, I get the analogy, but I love waves, and I hate grief. However, I’m surviving both. I was so afraid of going under the water, being wiped out by a wave of water. What if I couldn’t tell which way was up? What if I sucked in water instead of air until I drowned? My husband choked to death; I know what happens when you can’t breathe. But I did get washed over, and I did fall off the board. And then I surfaced, and I got back up on the board. I did it. I survived it. And I’ll keep doing that with those overwhelming waves of grief, as long as it takes.
Keep reading: The Luckiest Things That Happened to Us on Travel
Confidence Can Take You Places
I knew this already, but I needed the reminder. “Fake it till you make it” really works, in travel, in life, and in grief. I’m not hiding my grief. I’m probably oversharing, in fact. But when you’re surfing, you have to believe you can stay standing, or you won’t. The same goes for all the horrible things I’ve had to deal with since my husband’s death, all the financial complications, the probate process, planning my beloved’s funeral, trying to make choices he would want me to make, raising our daughter, and so much more. I’ve had to act like I know what I’m doing, especially when I don’t know and I don’t want to. I stayed up six times while surfing, and I only fell down once. Those are pretty good stats. I can do that in life, too.
More here: The Secrets to Happy Couple Travel
Sea Creatures Know What You Need
While I was on the water for my lesson, I caught a wave (meaning my instructor, Koa, pushed me into one) and rode it pretty far. When I got back out to wait for my next wave, Koa was excited to tell me that a sea turtle had stuck his head up out of the water, seeming to watch me ride the wave. He thought it was a swimmer at first, then realized it was a sea turtle.
I told him that Steve and I had an inside joke about sea turtles. We loved seeing them, both in the water and on the beaches. It made me think Steve was watching me, as that sea turtle. I felt close to Steve on this trip to O’ahu, and this turtle experience was one of the reasons why.
Love animals? The Best Trips for Animal Lovers
Waves Come and Go
When waves come and overtake you, that’s all you think about. And then they roll on, and so do you. And then more waves come, and the cycle repeats. Sometimes, the time between waves is long, and sometimes it’s short. Waves come in sets, meaning several come one after the other, before you get a break. This is my life now. People keep telling me that I’ll grieve forever (I’m sorry, how is that helpful or encouraging or appropriate to say to me?), so all it seems I can do at this point is anticipate the waves and learn to ride them as they come. And then, hope the time between waves of grief gets longer and longer.
Also this: How to Keep the Romance Alive on Travel Days
Never Be Afraid of Beautiful Things
Do I still have a healthy fear of drowning? Yes. But am I afraid of the ocean? No. The ocean is beautiful, but also dangerous. The memories I have of my husband are beautiful, but also painful right now. Two things can be true, and I don’t need to be afraid of either. I can enjoy the beauty of the ocean, but not let myself get swept out to sea. I can look at pictures of my husband, and eventually my next thought won’t be of him dying in front of me.
Read next: 5 Ways I Remember My Husband on Travel
Want more? Check out my dedicated United States Page!
Love this post? Pin it for later!
