Widow Life: How to Navigate Family Holidays as a Single Parent

Let’s face this one head-on. I’m writing this just before Thanksgiving, the first holiday season after my husband’s death. Our families live in different states than I do, so I knew we’d have to make some plans in advance. We used to trade whose family got Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I felt like I should honor that this first year. Lots of people have asked me what I’m doing for the holidays. I think some of them might have asked us to join them if I didn’t already have plans. It’s so challenging to make these choices on your own for family holidays, when you’ve been so used to making them together.

Maybe you’re a new widow, like I am while writing this. Or maybe you’ve been a widow or single parent for years and you’re still struggling with this. Either way, I hope this helps. Your family doesn’t like the decision you made? Blame me. I don’t mind. Here are some suggestions to navigate family holidays as a single parent.

Make a Plan

You already know that life doesn’t go according to plan. If it did, you wouldn’t be a single parent now, or ever. However, having a plan does set you up for success, whereas having no plan sets you up for nothing. Give yourself a fighting chance. Make a plan. Even if it has to change, even if it riles others’ feathers, even if it feels like you’re making it up as you go along, make a plan for yourself and your kids. Here are some things to consider to help you make the best plan for you.

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Consider what’s Best for You

You’re the one who’s dealing with the worst of the loss. You lost your spouse, your partner, your best friend, your relief parent. Before you think about how anyone else will feel about your choices, consider how you will feel in the most emotional time of the year. Is it too hard to visit his childhood home and stay in his childhood bedroom without him? Is it too hard to visit your side of the family without her there to soften the family dynamics? Don’t put yourself into situations that will make the holidays even harder than they will inevitably be. This is the time to think of your own well-being. You have my permission to put your needs first. You’re not being selfish in this situation, you’re protecting your already wounded heart.

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Consider what’s Best for Your Child or Children

When you decide what’s best for you, think about what’s best for your child or children. Consider what’s in their best interest, and mesh that with what’s best for you. It’s okay to compromise a bit, but only if it’s good for them and for you. If they’re old enough to have an opinion, ask them what they want to do, or what ideas they might have. You might be surprised at what they come up with. If your child is still a baby or toddler, like my daughter, let go of the pressure to make the family holidays “perfect.” They won’t remember. But you will. You will remember what was healing or what was too painful. Your baby or toddler is happy when you’re happy. They’re stressed when you’re stressed, and they’re sad when you’re sad. Have an honest look at what will be best for your child or children this holiday season, and plan accordingly.

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Consider what All the Parents Want

While their feelings and preferences shouldn’t come first, of course you want to be considerate of your and your late spouse’s parents. They’re grieving, too. This is the third priority not because they don’t matter, but because your and your child or children’s needs have to come before anyone else’s. My husband and I used to trade off Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families, because they live in different states, and we can’t visit both families for both holidays. I decided to keep to the regular schedule this year: His family for Thanksgiving, my family for Christmas. Next year, I’m not sure what we’ll do. Maybe we’ll ask family to come to us. Or maybe not. But this year, to honor Steve, I wanted to make sure we saw his family and mine as planned. You choose what works for you, your kids, and your extended family. You get to choose.

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Decide which Traditions You Want to Keep Going

I chose not to decorate our home for Christmas this year. It was just going to be too hard for me only nine months after my husband died. Our ornaments are literally memories of each year of our marriage–ornaments that I made myself and include mementos from our travels or life experiences from each year. And just last year, I had bought new stockings for my husband, daughter, and me, with our named embroidered on them. I didn’t want to deal with any of that this year.

Maybe next year I’ll buy all new decorations and create new traditions. But this year, I let my neighbor put lights up on our patio when he offered, accepted a huge, red poinsettia from a friend, and decorated a friend’s house with her and her daughter. We’ll go to Christmas Markets in Germany the week before Christmas with a friend who lives in Frankfurt. We’ll spend Christmas with my family in Tennessee. We’re not skipping Christmas, but my daughter is still too young to remember whether or not we decorated our own home. I’m giving myself permission to take a break from the things that will be too painful, in favor of doing other things with my daughter this Christmas season. You can do what you need to do for your family holidays.

Is your child or children old enough to want to keep your traditions? Have a sit-down with them and talk about which traditions they want, which they’d rather skip, and what traditions they may want to start. Your holiday season can be whatever your family wants or needs it to be, especially early in the grief journey.

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Give Yourself Permission to Skip Some Traditions

You read that right: You have permission to skip some traditions for your family holidays if they don’t serve you and your family in a positive way. Maybe you want to keep your late spouse’s favorite tradition going, or maybe you’re dreading it. If you’re not looking forward to a tradition, skip it. If you always left your late husband’s favorite cookies for Santa every year, leave your favorite cookies instead. If your husband always made a production of carving the turkey on Thanksgiving, let someone else do it, or have pork instead. Believe it or not, no one officially requires you to have turkey at Thanksgiving! If you always decorated at a certain time of the season, change it up. Get creative. You can absolutely skip the traditions that are just too hard this year. Pick it back up next year, or not. Do what serves you and your family this year.

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Create New Traditions if You Want To

If the thought of skipping your traditions makes you sad, but the thought of continuing your traditions also makes you sad, create new ones. Get your Christmas tree at a different farm, and take some friends with you. Listen to a different album or playlist while you bake your Christmas cookies, and make different cookies than usual. Make other sweets that aren’t cookies at all. Decorate on December 1 instead of the day after Thanksgiving. Instead of American Thanksgiving, celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving in October! You always make homemade pumpkin pie because it’s your late spouse’s favorite, but no one else eats it? Make your kids’ favorite pie instead. Or make cake and skip the pie altogether! Create new traditions where it feels right.

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